At All Times
by MrsNovak
Summary: A charismatic history teacher that Castiel meets is about to put him in the most dangerous situation of his life. Why? Because businessmen share 90% of their characteristics with psychopaths, and Cas is dating one: pathological control freak Sam. Destiel!
1. Chapter 1

A charismatic history teacher that Castiel meets is about to put him in the most dangerous situation of his life. Why? Because businessmen share 90% of their characteristics with psychopaths, and Cas is dating one. Cas/Sam Cas/Dean AU

M for reasonably obvious reasons.

**First FF, please be nice!**

**Not sure if I'm any good, so please read and review so I know whether to continue!**

**Sierra x**

Chapter 1

That morning started like any other.

Castiel was the first awake, as always, and he was enveloped in Sam's arms. He untangled himself, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his face with his hands. Careful not to awaken his boyfriend, he padded over to the grand bathroom, not locking the door behind him – Sam hated it.

One glance in the mirror showed him what a wreck he looked like. His dark hair was matted and sticking up, most likely jelled with Sam's sweat, and there was a line of marks made by fingernails down his right arm; Sam had broken the skin.

The hot water of the waterfall-shower was a beautiful release. The tension melted from his shoulders, and he barely noticed the stinging of soap in his eyes.

He turned around at the sound of the door opening, and saw a bright smile break across Sam's face.

Slightly disappointed at having to cut his shower short, but knowing it would be what Sam wanted, he stopped the water and swung open the glass door. 'Morning, Sammy.' He figured the pet name would be alright – his lover seemed in a good enough mood.

'You look perfect,' he strolled over, planting a sweet kiss on Castiel's forehead; it wasn't difficult – Sam was a head taller.

'Why thank you,' Cas said with a smile, reaching around him and unhooking a towel. 'Why don't I go make us some coffee?'

'I was kind of liking the shower idea,' Sam said, and he ran a hand through his wet hair.

Cas swallowed. 'Not now, Sammy.'

Sam had proceeded to trace a finger down Cas's chest, but now he pushed him away. 'Fine. I've got to get to the airport anyway, I'm going to Philadelphia.'

'What? Why?' Cas said in surprise.

'Business trip, I told you yesterday.'

Cas bit back a _"No you didn't_", pushing past him and going back to the bedroom. 'Wait a minute? Weren't you going to that fundraiser tonight?'

'Yeah. Take my invite,' Sam called back, 'it would be pointless to waste the free wine.'

Castiel sighed. He wasn't going to bother arguing – he'd show face if he could conjure up any interest later, but in truth, he'd rather stay at home and catch up on the week's TV. He pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans and a white shirt and took a deep breath; a couple of hours and Sam would be gone.

'I'm gonna go for a walk,' he said, poking his head around the bathroom door.

'You kidding me?' Sam snapped, 'I'm leaving in an hour, you can't just clear off.'

'Why not? I'll be back before you leave.'

Sam turned around, putting down his razor and glaring at him. Cas looked down, focusing on Sam's chiselled abdomen and the slight tense of the muscles as he stood up more straight. 'You know what, Cas, you can just fuck off. It's not like I need you to drive me to the airport or something.'

Cas had to stop himself from spitting out a hundred retorts. Clearly, this business trip was about something important, if Sam was already stressing out.

'I'm sorry Sammy. I want to stay here with you, I was just being stupid.'

'Just get out, I can't be fucked with you right now.'

_Really? You didn't seem to think that ten minutes ago. You didn't seem to think that when you were fucking me last night. You know what, you're the one that can fuck off – I don't need you either._

Of course Cas didn't say any of these things, instead putting on a pair of pointed shoes and letting himself out of the apartment without so much as a goodbye.

He started to feel guilty halfway towards the lift, but his desire for fresh air beat his desire to beg forgiveness from Sam.

Once out in the open air, he instantly wished that he had brought a jacket with him. It was cold in Boston winters, and, desperate to get back indoors, he made a beeline for the church in the park opposite his apartment block.

It was slightly warmer inside, thankfully, and he slunk into a pew in the back row, even though the place was completely empty.

He wondered to himself what he would say to God if he was listening. 'Why didn't you stop me having that row with Gabriel?' he said aloud. 'And why couldn't you have made Sam a bit less... _uptight_?'

There was a movement to his right and he flinched as a man stepped out of the shadows with his hands up.

'Sorry, I'll just leave you to your thoughts.'

'Shit, sorry, I didn't realise someone else was here,' Cas said, not even caring that he was swearing in a church. He was more focused on the fact that the man was tall and wearing a shirt that showed off every toned muscle. His eyes were green and piercing.

'Who's Sam?'

'My er... my brother,' Castiel swallowed, wishing that he could vanish into thin air. Apart from Sam, he couldn't remember any man every scrutinising him so intently.

'Shame,' the guy said with a knowing look, 'I was hoping he was your boyfriend. At least then I'd be able to fight it out for you.'

Cas's mouth turned dry. 'You do realise we're in a _church_?' he hissed.

'Then let's not be,' he smiled, 'call me.'

He scrawled his number on a sheet of paper and handed it to Cas.

'I will,' Cas said, trying to restore air into his lungs. He exited the church as quickly as he could, not looking back. Sam's face swam into his mind, and with a heavy sigh he screwed up the piece of paper, dropping it into the nearest trashcan.

**Next chapter will be better, I promise!**

**Please spare a minute to review...**

**Sierra x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys :)**

**Thank you SO much for the response to the first chapter. I got so many story alerts and the guys that reviewed are so awesome! For this reason, I am inspired to write more, so here you go.**

**Hope you enjoy it, though you might find yourself drowning in dialogue.**

**Remember to SHINE**

**Sierra x**

**PS. As of yet, Sam and Dean are not related. Unless I decide it would make a good twist. But for now... they are most definitely not.**

Chapter 2

When Cas let himself back into the apartment he closed his eyes and imagined returning to the home of the green-eyed guy. In his mind's eye he could see the curvature of the cheekbones and the long, straight nose.

'You still alive in there?' Sam said, and his tone made it clear that he wasn't teasing.

'Sorry,' Cas said, looking up at him with a forced smile.

Sam didn't say anything else, pulling on a black overcoat and turning the collar up.

'I... I went to the church.'

'You don't still believe in all that crap?' Sam snorted.

And once again, Cas turned away, walking over to the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. He couldn't help but notice that his hands were shaking slightly, but he put it down to the cold outside and rubbed them together.

There was a long silence, during which Cas watched Sam pull on his boots and gloves; he had always loved the way that the tendons at Sam's wrists pulled taught when he did so.

'Well, I'm going,' he said and picked up his bag.

'Right,' Cas replied.

'Don't... break anything.'

'I'm not a kid, Sam.'

Sam rolled his eyes. 'What, are you going to antagonise every little thing that I say?'

'I'm not, I just - '

'How about we both just say goodbye before you make things even worse.'

Cas bit his lip, tracing Sam's jaw with his fingertip. 'Sorry. I love you.'

Sam kissed him, but the Cas couldn't help but think that it wasn't supposed to make him feel any better. Perhaps it was because he was too small to initiate a kiss himself, or perhaps he just wasn't in the mood, but he felt more inferior than ever. When they broke away, he physically shook his head to remove the notion.

'Look after yourself,' Sam said after a long pause, and it sounded completely artificial.

_No "I love you"_, Cas thought to himself as the front door closed.

He had lived with Sam for a long time, but never had he been left without even a "_goodbye" _or_ "I love you"_.

He'd been seventeen – in the perfect nuclear family. A museum curator mom and a Catholic Minister for a father. Two brothers and a sister: Michael, Gabriel and Anna. A dog called Bingo and a pair of cats, Suri and Nami.

He was a high achiever in school; had friends and a crush and plans for College.

And then he met Sam.

Sam Clarkson. He'd come into the school to give an inspirational speech on young people in business. Castiel had been enthralled in the story – how the teenage, prodigy, entrepreneur Sam had started his own business, and within three years earned his first million.

He was 21, Cas was 17. He was intelligent, new and dangerous, and Cas was confused, naive and fragile. Even he could admit it.

And so when he rowed with Gabriel – one _stupid_ row – he was perfectly happy to climb into the passenger seat of Sam's _Jaguar_ (XJ Series), and run off to Boston.

Five years later, and Cas was here.

Here in an apartment, alone, and thinking about a man that wasn't his boyfriend. A man whose name he didn't even know. A man with green eyes.

* * *

><p>Several hours later he was wearing a slim black tie and a suit jacket, drinking champagne of the highest standard. He was hating it.<p>

A general quiet fell over the crowd, and he looked up from his memories to see that someone had taken to the podium.

'Thank you, everyone, for coming. I'm Dean Winchester, although some of you probably know me as _Mr_ Winchester. Reckon I recognise some of you from parent-teacher evenings.'

As his introduction unfurled, Cas almost choked on his drink. He knew that voice only too well, and knew that if he was closer, he'd see a pair of Emerald eyes.

He spent the next few minutes edging through the crowd, not evening listening to what was being said. His mind was on the screwed up piece of paper in the trashcan in the park, on the confrontation with Sam, on the memory of his youth.

'To have representatives here from Lawson and Co. ... Nos-K Enterprises...'

Cas's head snapped up at the mention of Sam's company. He made eye contact with the man, who did not waver in his speech, and felt a rush of heat to his veins.

He hadn't felt that way since the first year of living with Sam.

* * *

><p>'Can I get you another drink?'<p>

Castiel was very, _very_ conscious of the hand placed on his waist from behind. He spun around, finding himself almost nose to nose with Dean Winchester. 'You know... it doesn't have the same effect when you don't have to pay...'

There seemed to be a residue cold patch when Dean removed his hand and held it out. 'Dean. I don't think I caught your name earlier.'

'Cas,' he said nervously, looking down. God? Why was he acting like a bashful fifteen year old? He answered the question in his head – _Because you've never felt like this about anyone except Sam. And you've only just met him._

'Cas?' he raised his beautifully arched eyebrows. 'What's that short for.'

'Er... Castiel.'

'So who are you here with?' Cas could tell that he was suppressing a laugh.

'No one,' he replied too quickly.

'I mean... what business? It's invitation only, you know... or are you gate-crashing?'

'Oh,' he laughed awkwardly. 'Nos-K Enterprises.'

'Really?' Dean leant against the wall. 'You don't look like an inventor.'

'Oh... I work in... finance.'

'You're lying.'

'You're astute.'

'Ticket via nepotism?'

'Something like that.'

'You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.'

'You too.'

Both leant in before withdrawing in unison. 'I've... gotta go see some donators,' Dean coughed.

'I've gotta... I've... I'm in a relationship.'

'I guessed,' Dean said. 'Sam, right?'

'Yeah... Sam.'

'As in _The _Sam Clarkson of Nos-K Enterprises? I didn't even know he was gay.'

Cas chewed his lip, knowing that if Sam found out he'd let his sexuality slip, he'd be furious. 'Yeah. Not many people do.'

Dean gazed into his eyes intently, but Cas didn't feel uncomfortable. Like he was being x-rayed? Yes. But uncomfortable? No. Like he was going to burst with desire? Yes. Like he _cared_ that he was in a relationship? Maybe.

'I should go,' he said, breaking the eye contact. 'It was... nice to see you again.'

'Clearly fate wanted us to see each other. It hurt, watching you throw away my number.'

'You saw that?' Cas sighed.

Dean nodded.

'How about you give me a new copy, and this time I won't be an idiot.'

'Maybe it's not such a good idea.'

'Mr Winchester!' A loud voice said, and Cas found himself muscled out of the way by a boisterous businessman. 'I don't think...' _hiccup_... 'I've ever been so inspired...' hiccup... 'Let me get my chequebook.'

And so, Cas slunk away into the throng of people, feeling exactly the same way that he did whenever Sam beat him down.

**And there we have it... tell me if you liked it in a little review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks so much to alerters, favoriters and especially reviewers! You guys are all awesome.**

**Sorry this chapter is so short and bad but I've had coursework deadlines all week and my creativty has crashed.**

**Next chapter will be better, I promise! **

**As ever, please read, hopefully enjoy, and review with any love, hate and critique.**

**Sierra xx**

Chapter 3

Needing some air, Cas found his way outside and leant against the wall to the venue.

There was another guy a few steps away from him, clearly out for a smoke. Cas glanced across and narrowed his eyes. He'd never smoked a cigarette – his father would have killed him, and Sam didn't want to taste it on him. But Cas had watched him smoke whenever he was stressed and wanted to relax.

At that moment in time he felt exactly the same way.

'Excuse me?' he said.

'Yeah?'

'You don't... you don't have a cigarette I could have do you?'

He smiled, 'since we're here for the purpose of charity. You need a light too?'

'Yeah... sorry.'

The guy lit a cigarette and Cas thankfully took it. He watched him go back inside and sighed.

He looked at the burning cigarette in his hand, narrowing his eyes. It was only when he realised that it was burning down that he put it to his lips and inhaled. The sudden rush of heat to his throat made him choke and cough.

There was a loud laugh from behind him, and he spun around to see Dean, in all his glory, doubled over.

He tossed away the cigarette, turning a deep shade of red.

'Oh my God... are you fifteen?'

'Hilarious,' Cas muttered, turning into the irritable kid that he did whenever he was humiliated. 'Bet you're quite the expert.'

'I don't smoke,' he laughed, 'if my kids found out I'd never hear the end of it.'

'Whoa... you have kids?'

At this Dean clapped a hand on his shoulder, and he felt the sudden rush of heat again. 'Of course not. I'm a teacher – history.'

'Right. I am so embarrassing myself. Too much champagne.'

'Then while I've got you drunk, why don't you tell me what Sam is like? _The _Sam.'

Castiel paused for a moment, not sure whether or not to reply. He thought about the first kiss, the tender way that Sam held him as though he could break any second, the way he looked at him like he was the only thing he'd ever want. And then he thought about a fortnight earlier, when Sam had hit him across the face so hard that it bruised.

He shrugged, 'he's great.'

'Do you love him?'

Cas was caught off guard by the upfront question, not knowing which answer was the right one. 'Sometimes. Sometimes not.'

'We're both drunk,' Dean sighed, 'we shouldn't be talking about this. Look, tomorrow is the last day before autumn semester starts. How about we go out for coffee? Nine o'clock at Harvelles?'

'Harvelles? Isn't that the new place?'

'Yeah, I know the owners.'

'Sure.'

* * *

><p>'So do you work?'<p>

'No,' Cas said, looking down at his coffee.

'Housewife?' Dean smiled.

'No, no... just between jobs... y'know...' Cas swallowed, but Dean didn't seem perturbed. He wondered to himself what he _was_ to Sam. _Was_ he a housewife? Fuck-buddy? He was glad that he'd spent an hour choosing his outfit before leaving the flat, because Dean was scrutinising with the same, narrow-eyed look that he had the first time they'd met.

'So what about public displays of affection? In the closet, or nae?'

Once again, Cas blushed like a teenager. Was this an invitation to kiss him or what? 'Depends who it's with.'

Dean leant across the table and kissed him, and though a thousand thoughts rushed in front of Cas's brain, most of them involving Sam, he couldn't stop himself from responding. And there was everything there was meant to be – fireworks and stars and dizziness. They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

'Dean Winchester, put that poor boy down,' a voice said, and, infuriated, Cas broke away, turning around.

'Ellen,' Dean beamed, standing up to hug her. 'Meet the manager, Castiel.'

It was the first time he'd said his full name, and his stomach flipped over at the way it sounded rolling off his tongue.

'Cas,' he said, standing up and holding out his hand. 'So how do you know Dean?'

She shook it, before answering, 'I'm his aunt, unfortunately. But I could ask you the same question... since you've been making out on my premises.'

Cas laughed awkwardly, 'er... we just...'

'I met Cas at a charity gala a few weeks ago,' Dean answered for him. 'He's with Nos-K Enterprises.'

'Wow, must be at the top of your game, they don't hire just anyone at that place.'

'Oh... I... know the chairman.'

'Don't put yourself down, Cas,' Dean said.

Cas didn't like lying – if he did he would never have told Dean he was in a relationship. Why? Because the thought of not seeing this... this perfection again... was inconceivable.

But things got worse.

'How do you know... what's his name? Clarkson?'

'Sam. He's... a friend.'

And suddenly, he thought of the way Sam would react if he knew he'd just kissed another man. He thought of the love, and the car, and the adoration that Sam had given him for so many years. 'I... sorry... I just remembered... I've gotta go see...' he turned away, 'thanks for the coffee.'

'Whoa! Cas wait!'

But he bolted.

**Please review, alert etc! Next chapter will be better, I swear...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter complete, at the expense of a six page English paper due tomorrow...**

**I've been writing this story all day - bits of next chapter, and the big confession scene...**

**Hope you guys like it, and thanks as ever for the lovely reviews, as well as alerts, favorites**

**Sierra xx**

Chapter 4

Sam was waiting for him when he got in.

'Oh… Sam… you're home already.'

'Yeah, been back an hour. Where've you been?'

Castiel slipped off his boots and put down his bag, his mind racing. 'I was just out for a walk.'

'In your best clothes?' Sam said, beckoning him over.

Sam was wearing an Armani suit and diamond cufflinks, everything fitted and sharp and the opposite to Dean's warmth. He slipped off his suit jacket as Cas walked over, leaning back against the kitchen countertop.

'I just put on whatever was nearest,' Cas said as nonchalantly as he could, allowing Sam to plant his hands on his waist and pull him close for a possessive kiss.

'You know I don't like secrets,' he said into his lips, and Cas swallowed, pulling back.

'I'm not keeping secrets, I was just out for a _walk_.'

'Don't lie to me, Castiel.'

He remembered the way his heart had leapt when Dean had used his full name earlier, but now his heart sank; from Sam it sounded like a threat. He didn't retort, just unhooking Sam's belt buckle and smiling. 'I missed you.'

'This conversation isn't over.'

_Yes, Cas, I missed you too_, Cas said in his head, and as he slid down to his knees he tried to picture Dean standing before him. It felt wrong, as he took Sam into his mouth, to think of Dean that way. It wouldn't be like this in his fantasy – with him it would be romantic, and they'd be in the bedroom with candles lit and glasses of Pinot.

He was jerked back to reality as Sam pulled hard at his hair, and he looked up into the brown eyes. He knew in that second that Sam didn't care that it was him, didn't care that it was Cas on his knees in front of him. It could have been Joe Bloggs from the street sucking him off and he wouldn't have cared. Cas was just easy.

Naturally it wasn't long before Sam came, and Cas swallowed as obediently as ever. He stood up, his knees aching, and Sam pushed past him. 'I've got work to do.'

Cas waited until he'd disappeared into his office before letting out the sob that he'd been holding back for five years. Tears streamed down his face, and he tried to steady his breath enough to keep quiet. He opened the nearest cupboard door, pulling out a can of soda and drinking the whole thing in one go. He could still taste Sam afterwards, only now he felt sick to boot.

After a moment of consideration, he snatched up his phone, pulled his shoes back on and took care to slam the door loudly enough for Sam to hear.

It had started to rain, and he wished instantly that he'd taken a jacket, but there was no way that he was going back inside.

Shivering in his thin v-neck sweater, he spotted a phone box on the other side of the road. He darted over to it, relieved to slip inside out of the rain. There was barely enough room to bend down and pick up the battered phone directory. He had just found the W's to look for Winchester when a sudden thought hit him.

He dropped the book, searching through his pockets for a quarter and sliding it into the slot.

The Operator had a tinny, nasal voice.

'Yeah, can you get me a number for a Gabriel Novak? Springfield.'

'Alright, I'll put you straight through.'

The ringing seemed to last forever, and Cas almost put the phone down at least three times before it was answered.

'Hello?' A woman's voice said. There was both sadness and relief at the thought of having got the wrong number.

'Uh… sorry… I was looking for Gabriel.'

'Oh he's just upstairs. GABE!' she shouted, and Cas pulled the phone away from his ear, trying to steady his breathing.

'Hello?' the familiar voice said, and Cas almost choked on air, his throat constricting. He couldn't even speak. '_Hello_?'

'Gabriel,' he whispered.

There was a long pause before he spoke. '_Cas_?'

Cas put the phone down, kicking the wall of the phone box and biting back further tears. _Coward_, he said to himself, trying to imitate Sam's voice.

Deciding to call Dean after all, he ransacked his pockets for another quarter but found them empty. He cursed under his breath – the day was going from bad to worse. Only a couple of hours ago he'd run out on their coffee date.

So he stepped back out into the rain, wandering down the street and not even caring that his hair was plastered to his face and his fingers were turning blue. In one day, he'd screwed up with Dean, Sam and Gabriel. 'Fuckwit,' he said aloud, and a passer-by tutted at him.

There became fewer and fewer people on the streets as the rain grew denser and heavier. Umbrellas were up, waterproof coats out and hoods buttoned tightly.

Cas just walked, no longer shivering, no longer crying, just blinking away the droplets that settled on his long lashes and sliding his hands into his pockets.

His legs walked themselves to the last place he wanted to be –Harvelles.

He stood outside for a minute, but the rain got the better of him, and he let himself into the packed little shop.

'Oh _Castiel_!' Ellen called from behind the counter, and he turned a furious shade of red, but she was practically summoning him, and he slouched over. 'You're _soaked_, come round the back! Jo, can you watch the till?'

Cas followed her, feeling almost as ill as he had on the phone to Gabriel.

'We were so worried when you ran out earlier – it was like you'd seen a ghost,' she said, leading him into a small office and sitting him down.

'I just remembered I needed to be somewhere,' he mumbled.

She was looking at his drenched sweater. 'I wish I had some clothes for you to put on, you must be freezing.'

''m fine. I wanted to call Dean... apologise.'

'How come you came here?'

'To get his number...'

She handed him a steaming mug of coffee, which he took gratefully in his blue hands. 'You've been together for a few weeks and you don't have his _number_?'

'About that...'

She didn't comment, just musing for a minute before saying, 'you're skin and bone.'

'Thanks,' he muttered.

'I'm gonna get you something to eat – Dean's number's on the roll.'

'No,' he replied quickly, 'I don't want anything to eat.'

She sighed, 'alright. Like I said, Dean's number's just there.'

'Thank you so much,' he smiled to her as she shut the door behind her, and he leant across to take the phone, flipping through the desk roll until finding Dean's number.

As it rang he thought of her offer. Of the cakes and trifles he'd seen out the front. But hunger was a small price to pay for aesthetic perfection; for Sam's love.

'Hello?'

'It's Cas, Dean... I wanted to apologise...'

'_God_ Cas, thank God you're okay! I thought there was something wrong.'

'I just... I panicked,' he admitted. 'But I really want to see you again... y'know, if you'll give me another chance.'

'Of course. You think I'm just going to forget a kiss like that?'

Cas smiled to himself. 'Tomorrow?'

'I've got school.'

'I can wait.'

'I'll pick you up. Where'd you live?'

Cas took a deep breath, trying to pick a road, any road, to hang around waiting. And then he pictured Dean pulling up outside the apartment block, his knight in shining armour, so near and yet so far from Sam. 'I live on the Cliff-Rise development.'

'Isn't that where the billionaires live?' Dean laughed, and then paused, 'right. Sam.'

'If you don't want - '

'No, I'll be there.'

Cas would have danced for joy if he wasn't so cold; cold and scared.

**Next chapter will be up soon!**

**Give us a review with love, hate or critique**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 is here!**

**As usual, thank you so much for the great reception I've got for this story in the reviews - you guys are amazing!**

**Enjoy, and alert, favorite and especially review!**

**Sierra xx**

Chapter 5

Cas woke up very slowly, not even opening his eyes. There were fingers in his hair, and a hand on his chest, tracing the most gentle of circles over his heart.

_It's Dean... it's Dean_... he told himself. The dream had been so perfect – why did it have to end when he woke up?

But sure enough, when he opened his eyes, he turned his head to see that it was Sam who was caressing him. 'Sorry, Spark, I didn't mean to wake you.'

'Spark?' Cas rolled over until they were facing each other, and he buried his face into the tender curve of Sam's shoulder, kissing along his clavicle. 'That's a new one.'

'It's because you're a little firecracker.'

'I like that,' Cas said. The events of the previous day were erased from his mind, as he moved even closer so that their bodies were pressed together.

'I'm sorry about the way I've been,' Sam murmured, 'we lost Aurasma as a partner. I was pissed.'

Cas looked up, planting a kiss at the soft skin below his ear. 'I'm so sorry, baby. I don't think I exactly helped things... I just didn't feel too good. But you know I love you, right? I love you _so_ much.'

'I know... I just wish you'd show it a bit more sometimes,' Sam sighed, running his fingers up and down the smaller man's back.

_Keep him sweet... keep him sweet while he's in a good mood_, the voice at the back of Cas's mind said. 'I'm sorry. I _adore_ you, and you're perfect, and if I make you think you're not then just tell me. Sometimes I don't think.' It was only halfway through the sentence that Cas realised he was reciting the apology he'd been waiting for from Sam.

'I don't ever want to hurt you again.'

How many times had he heard that before? He took a deep breath, recognising an opportunity. 'When you hit me... that hurts.'

Sam sighed, 'I don't mean to. I just lose it sometimes, you know how it is.'

And Cas wimped it, nodding into Sam's chest. 'I know. Don't worry.'

'You know... the advantage of running a company is that you don't have to go into work if you don't want to. We could spend all day here... this bed... the shower... the table.'

Cas's heart skipped a beat. 'No, you've got to go to work.'

'Oh come on...' he wrapped his arms around him, 'I thought we were having fun.'

'I've got a migraine,' he murmured, sounding like some middle-aged, asexual liar.

Sam seemed convinced, however, as he shifted so that he was sitting up, pulling Cas with him. Cas moved over slightly so that he was curled up in his lap, and he rested back as Sam started to massage his temples.

Migraine or no migraine, he collapsed into the sensation, heart racing. The memory of the previous night flooded back, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. Sam had been furious – _furious_. It was then that he started to feel the pain in his swollen shoulder, and the tiredness of tossing and turning while Sam was sound asleep beside him.

* * *

><p>Sam left at three o'clock, five minutes before a vintage Chevy pulled up outside the apartment block. He saw it through the window, choosing his finest spur-equipped boots and pulling them on before taking the stairs two at a time on his way down to the lobby.<p>

The doorman smiled at him with bemusement as he ran outside, opening the passenger side door and sliding into the car. 'Nice wheels.'

'Nice ass,' Dean grinned, and he leant across to kiss him.

Cas didn't even think that someone could be watching, sinking into Dean's lips and tasting something like cherry. He cupped his palm around the back of Dean's neck, drawing him closer, but winced when he responded.

Dean drew away, 'what's wrong?'

'Nothing,' Cas smiled, slowly rotating his aching shoulder, 'slept funny last night.'

Dean seemed to accept this, as he pulled back out on the road, and they drove into the town. 'Where'd you want to go?'

'I don't mind,' Cas said, 'anywhere.'

'Then I am taking you out for lunch; dinner... some lunch-dinner hybrid.'

Cas nodded – he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning.

And Dean drove him to what could only be described as a _romantic_ restaurant, taking him by the hand as they walked in. The sensation was unusual – Sam wouldn't even speak to him if they were out together, for risk of _rumours_.

'What do you want to eat?' Dean asked, before they'd even found a table, 'I haven't eaten since morning break! I had this kid in for a detention at lunch, and I was too busy telling him to shut up to get around to eating – I'm _starving_. Have you eaten?'

Cas shook his head.

'Here, table!' Dean seemed in his element, beaming and drawing out a chair for Cas. He sat down, his heart beating faster than usual whenever their skin moved within an inch of touching. 'I'm telling you, this place has this amazing gourmet sounding thing that's actually just a burger – you want?'

'I'm not really hungry,' he said, forcing a smile.

Dean surveyed him for a minute. 'I take you out for food and you don't want any?'

'I just started feeling a bit ill in the car – I don't want to aggravate it.'

So Dean ordered, and Cas had dodged another bullet. He was quiet, contemplating everything that Sam had said to him that morning, but it was okay because Dean spoke enough for both of them.

'And so my little bro, Adam, told Selene that I had a crush on her! Can you believe it? Oh, food!'

He talked more when he wasn't alcohol saturated, or trying to be cool. Cas liked him that way – no clever talk or smart-ass comments, just telling him about his family and his work. But now there was food on the table, and Cas watched him start to eat the fries, feeling his stomach turn over in hunger.

Dean sighed. 'What's the real reason you don't want anything to eat? Is it the restaurant? _Me_?'

'No, I just feel funny.'

'You been watching me eat for the last five minutes.'

'Is it so hard to believe I'd be watching you?' Cas smiled.

'You haven't been watching _me_, you've been watching the food. And you're a freakin' skeleton.'

'Thanks... that just great,' Cas swallowed; _no lies_, he told himself. 'I just don't like to eat too much – I like the way I look right now, and - '

Dean pushed the plate across to him, his expression serious. He took his hand, tracing his fingers over the fragile bones. 'You're with me, Cas, not Sam. You can let your guard down. One burger isn't gonna make you fat.'

'What makes you think I need a guard up?'

'I know Sam Clarkson,' he looked down.

'You _what_?'

'I talk, you _eat_.'

'Dean - '

'Final offer.'

'Fine,' Cas muttered, taking a fry between his fingers and lifting it almost to eye level very slowly. 'So how do you know Sam?'

'I'm not an idiot, Cas.'

'Huh?'

'You're doing that thing... where you pick up food and wave it around a bit, while talking endlessly. You push the food around on the plate, cut it up and push it to one side, then suddenly announce you need to go, or you're not hungry anymore. And throughout the whole charade you don't eat anything. I wasn't born yesterday.'

Cas chewed his lip, knowing without even turning around that the surrounding tables were all eavesdropping on their conversation. So he gave in, eating a fry... and then another... and another.

'I've met Sam a few times... charity galas... fundraisers. He's _patronising _and _condescending_ and - '

'Don't talk about him like that,' Cas mumbled, picking the tomato out of the burger once he'd finished all the fries, seeming to get more and more hungry the more that he ate. 'You're not exactly a hero yourself.'

'Ouch.'

Instantly guilty, Cas started to find swallowing very difficult again. How many calories in the burger? In the cheese? 'I just mean... what are we doing? You know I'm in a relationship... are you happy with that?'

'Of course not... it's a compromise... but I knew from the second I saw you in that church that I'd do whatever it took.'

'Can we get out of here?'

'Sure – whatever you want.'

But when they were back out on the street, after a very hurried payment, things went from good to bad in one fell blow.

Dean kissed him again, his hands at his neck, and this time he bumped the bruised collarbone a little too hard, and Cas physically flinched.

And he'd pushed aside the sweater there before Cas could stop him. The swollen, purple bruise was visible for a second before he tugged the fabric back into place, clenching his jaw.

'_Cas_.'

'You fucking idiot,' Cas snapped, 'you think you can just jump my bones here in the street?'

'You know full well what - '

But Cas felt the telltale tears rising again, and he slowly leant forwards, resting his head on Dean's chest. It was only a second before Dean responded, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close.

'Fags,' someone muttered as they walked past, and Dean went to turn, but Cas caught his jacket between his thin fingers, holding him there.

'Did Sam hit you Cas?'

Cas didn't respond, unmoving, but his breath hitched.

'Baby, you can tell me.'

'He didn't mean too,' he mumbled.

'Okay, sweetie, we're gonna go back to my place, and we're gonna get something to drink and you're gonna let me check nothing's broken, and then you're gonna tell me everything, alright?'

Cas took a long time before nodding.

**Next chapter up soon! Review with hate, love or critique!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I lied, next chapter was not up soon.**

**My excuse being that first I had the flu, and then my life turned into a great big temporary black hole of hell.**

**But chapter is up now! This is more of a transition chapter, so less hard stuff than usual, but bear with me ready for lots of lovely stuff in the coming chapters!**

**Sorry for late update**

**Sierra xx**

Chapter 6

Dean's house reminded Cas of his own – or at least the one he'd lived in as a child. It was the direct opposite to Sam's sterile, white apartment.

It was dimly lit, with stacks of books toppling over one another in the hallway, and shelves of DVDs lining the wall. 'I hoard,' Dean muttered awkwardly.

'It's brilliant,' Cas whispered, feeling incredibly out of place as he followed Dean into an equally cluttered living room.

There were pillows and blankets on the couch, lamps balanced on tables and old newspapers scattered on the floor. Old movie posters were plastered on the walls, mismatching with oil paintings and landscapes framed and hung haphazardly on lopsided hooks.

'Sorry for all the crap,' Dean said, sweeping miscellanea from the couch before sitting Cas down there. He was about to take the blankets when the smaller man snatched them back, wrapping them around himself with a small smile. 'Are you cold? The central heating is down, but I've got a space heater somewhere.'

Cas shook his head. 'This place is incredible.'

'You don't have to lie,' Dean laughed, 'I'd forgotten how bad it is.'

'Seriously, I like it,' he smiled, but inside his stomach was flipping over. He felt dirty, _wrong _in such a homely place. In Sam's flat he could feel as sterile and cold as the fittings – he didn't even care. But _here_... what was he here? _Whore_, he told himself, _you're a fucking failure and a whore._

'It's not exactly Cliff-Rise though, is it?'

'Let's not talk about Cliff-Rise,' Cas said, grabbing Dean's hand and pulling him down beside him. He drew up his knees like a cocoon and tried to curl into Dean, but found himself held at arm's length.

'Cas, I want you to talk to me.'

'Can't you just hold me? Please?'

Dean obliged after a pause, drawing him across into tight arms. Cas sank into them, resting against him and laying his head to his chest. He could feel Dean's heartbeat.

And Dean did nothing but hold him there for a long time.

It could have been an hour, but Cas felt content, wrapped up in the warm blanket and Dean's arms, on the opposite side of town to Sam. He was half asleep when the bell rang, and he jerked so violently that Dean caught his arms. 'Hey, it's alright!'

'Sorry,' he mumbled, 'I jump easily.'

'I'll leave it,' Dean said, but Cas shook his head.

'Go get it. I can hide in the closet if you want?' He thought it was quite funny, but Dean didn't laugh, just standing up and seeming to tear his eyes away from him.

'Oh, Jo!'

'You will _not _believe this, Dean! So my _mom – _Oh...crap. Did I interrupt...? Sorry.'

It was only when she appeared in the doorway that Cas remembered her the name from the cafe and matched it to the face. She grimaced to him.

'Carry on,' he said quietly, leaning back in the couch and wishing Dean had never answered the door.

'You should have told me you had company!' she said, glaring at Dean when he joined her.

'You didn't let me speak,' he rolled his eyes.

'I'll come back later,' Jo said, still apologetically.

'Don't worry, I've gotta go anyway,' Cas muttered, making the decision to stand up and push past them, even as Dean tried to catch his arm. 'I need to get home,' he said, ignoring their protests.

* * *

><p>Once again, Sam had beaten him home.<p>

'Oh... Sammy,' he tried to force a smile, but failed dismally. His fingers were trembling a little as he pulled off his boots and ran a hand through his hair.

'Where were you this time? Another walk? Who would've known the neighbourhood was so interesting.'

Cas's anger bubbled over; anger at having to leave Dean, of having to come home to an interrogation. 'You know what? It's none of your _fucking_ business, and I don't want to talk about it!'

Naturally Sam followed him into the bedroom, even after Cas had slammed the door behind him. 'So what? You're gonna keep secrets from me now?'

'Like you don't keep them from me!' Cas said, trying to keep his voice calm as he pulled his sweater over his head and slid the belt from his jeans.

'I don't lie to you, I don't _sneak_ around!' Sam snarled, grabbing the tops of his arms and holding him there. Cas was conscious of how deeply the nails pressed.

'If you don't mind, I'm going for a shower. Or do you think I'm lying about that too?' he pulled his arms free and went to walk around him, but found himself knocked back.

Sam had hit him.

He'd hit him, and he hadn't even felt it.

Even as Cas lifted a hand to touch the blood at his lips, he could barely believe his boyfriend had just punched him squarely in the face. There was no pain – he hadn't even seen the blow coming. Why? Because every vein in his body was channelling adrenaline.

_Dean would never hit you_, the irritatingly sensible part of his brain said.

'You _never_ talk to me like that again,' Sam said with a voice of ice.

'I'll talk to you how I want! I'm not some child that you can reprimand; I'm not some plaything! I'm a person, and I have feelings, and I'm allowed to go for a walk, or for a shower. You aren't my puppet master!'

'You're a vindictive bitch, you know that,' Sam said, still not letting him past. 'I say the wrong thing _once_ and you turn on me, act like I'm a monster.'

Noticing that his nose was starting to throb, Cas closed his eyes long enough to centre himself, but short enough to pass it off as a blink. 'I'm sorry, Sam, but I'm going to shower right now, whether you like it or not.'

This time, when Sam grabbed his shoulder and spun him around, he was ready to strike a blow back, fury overflowing. But Sam didn't hit him. 'Did I do this?' he mumbled, and Cas realised that he was looking at the blossoming bruise at his collar bone.

He nodded. 'Last night.'

'I didn't mean...'

'Just leave it,' Cas pulled away and practically jogged to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it firmly.

Not for the first time, he stationed himself in front of the mirror. _God_ he looked a state.

His nose and lip were bleeding, and the skin under his eye was cracked. His shoulder looked like something from a post-apocalyptic thriller or a dramatic fight. It might just have been the blood and the haunted, glassy eyes, but he looked paler than ever, and his cheekbones more prominent.

He kicked off the rest of his clothes before turning on the shower as hot as it would go and stepping under the searing water without a second thought.

Every burn, every ounce of pain was retribution; retribution for what he was doing to Sam and Dean. And it was penance for what he'd done to his family all those years ago.

'Fuck,' he said aloud, banging his forehead against the wall. '_Fuck you, Castiel_. What have you done?'

And he didn't mean with Dean. He meant what he'd done _five years ago. _He loved Sam – _God_ he loved him – but that didn't mean he had to throw his life away.

More than ever he wanted someone to hold him, to tell him everything was going to be okay. And he didn't want it to be Sam; he didn't want it to be Dean. He wanted it to be Gabriel. He wanted his big brother.

**Next chapter will be better (and sooner!) I promise.**

**As ever please review!**

**Sierra**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the stupidly late update again, I've been revising copiously for exams in the next few weeks!**

**Happy/sad chapter, this one!**

**Hope you guys like it!**

**Sierra x**

Chapter 7

When Cas woke up, the radio was playing, and sun was streaming through the bedroom window. He rolled over, blinking his eyes open and finding Sam was gone.

There was a rose on the pillow, with a small pastel paper card stuck to it. _Had to go into work, back soon. I love you_. Cas smiled to himself, picking up the rose and wincing as he was pricked by one of the thorns.

He sucked the blood from his finger absentmindedly, taking his phone from his nightstand and tapping in the unlock code, the day and month that he'd left home with Sam. Even after all these years, the home screen picture was of the same day, in Sam's Jag. _I was seventeen_… _and_ _clean_ _shaven_, he smiled, reaching his hand up automatically to the stubble on his chin. _We both look happier._

It was then that the alerts on his calls icon caught his eye, and he found seven missed calls. Five from Dean, and two from another number – an all too familiar number.

The wave of memories from the previous night smashed over him like a tsunami, and he frantically switched back to his sent messages, and groaning as he read through the text to Gabriel. He hadn't done a great job of explaining the last five years.

_Gabriel it's Cas, please call me! I'm so sorry for everything, I'm fine. I just went away, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Please I want to talk to you._

Why did he have to have such a stupidly good memory? Anyone else wouldn't have been able to remember the number the operator had given him… but no, even a manic Castiel could remember those fateful numbers.

He couldn't bear to collect his voicemail, locking the phone again and sitting up.

He looked around the room and raised his eyebrows. Everything was clean and neat, and the washing basket was empty. There was a freshly laundered pile of clothes on the leather chair, and a vase filled with roses on the windowsill.

Noticing vaguely that he was unclothed, he collected some of the clean ones from the chair and slipped them on, finding with slight surprise that they were unfamiliar. _Sam bought me clothes_, he thought to himself, _he always used to do that_.

It had been a tradition that whenever Sam went away for work, he'd return with some cool or exotic item of clothing he'd found. He'd stopped doing it a couple of years ago.

He padded out of the bedroom, finding the same state of bright cleanliness in the rest of the apartment. 'Sam _cleaned_?' he said aloud. The cleaner never came until Thursday, but _surely_ Sam wouldn't have cleaned the apartment himself? 'This is… weird.'

It was the table that made him smile the most. There were at least a hundred Sweethearts, arranged in the letters S&C. God, Sam could be a soppy bastard when he wanted to. With a wry smile, Cas picked up one that said "My Angel" and popped it in his mouth as he walked over to the kitchen.

He caught sight of his reflection in a pot on the shelf, blinking a few times before looking away. His lip was swollen, and there was a crack under his eye. 'No, _nothing _is going to upset me this morning.'

He turned around at the sound of the front door opening, and practically skipped out into the hallway, finding Sam with a _huge_ frame balanced in his arms.

'Dammit, you weren't supposed to have woken up yet!' He grinned, putting down the frame against the wall and shutting the door behind him.

'You weren't at work,' Cas said, playfully accusatory.

'Forgive me for lying?' Sam smiled, before his expression turned serious. He touched Cas's broken lip gently with his thumb. 'Forgive me for everything?'

'Of course I forgive you, I know you didn't mean it,' he said, tugging at Sam's shirt until he closed the gap between them and encompassed Cas's tiny frame in his huge arms.

'I didn't realise I hurt you like that.'

'You didn't, I just bruise easily,' Cas lied into his chest. 'The Sweethearts were a nice touch.'

'Thought you'd like them. Oh, your phone went a few times – some guy called Dean and another number I didn't recognise.'

'You didn't answer?' Cas asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

'No, I guess I realised it's your business, not mine.' He took Cas's hands in his. 'Who's Dean?' he asked in a strained voice.

Cas chewed his lip. 'Just a friend,' he said.

'Friend,' Sam nodded, 'sure he is.'

'Sammy, what else do you want me to say? He _is_ a friend.'

'I know, I know Cas, I believe you. He just… calls a lot for a friend.'

'He just broke up with his girlfriend – he's pretty cut up about it.'

'Oh,' Sam's lips turned back up into a smile, 'so he's…'

'Straight. Yes.'

'You should probably call him back,' Sam kissed his forehead before picking up his frame and starting to walk away.

'Wait, what's in the frame?' Cas called after him.

'None of your business!' Sam said over his shoulder.

Grinning to himself like an idiot, Cas looked to his phone and exhaled. Yep, things were good.

* * *

><p>Perhaps it was the elation from Sam's apparent adoration, or the knowledge that his kind-of-relationship-with-Dean was safe, but somehow Cas found himself sat in a booth in the Thinking Cup, awaiting the arrival of his brother.<p>

His fingers were clenched hard around the table edge, rooting him there, and he stared unblinkingly down into his coffee. To the outside world, he probably looked completely and utterly insane.

Every time the little bell over the door rang, his head shot up and he exhaled in relief.

_You aren't a kid, Cas, he can't drag you home… you've done nothing that can get the police involved… it's your _brother_, he just wants to see you… _

When Gabriel did walk in, Cas didn't recognise him for several seconds.

They had always shared a similar dress sense, of shirts and ties and oversized coats, but now Gabriel looked like a… like a _soccer dad_, if there was such a thing. He was wearing pale chinos and a red knitted sweater, with a cap over his longish, slicked back hair.

'What the hell are you wearing?' The words slipped out with a hysterical giggle, and he clapped his hand over his mouth immediately as Gabriel turned and saw him.

'Cas? _Cas_?'

He stood up just in time as Gabriel ran over to him, throwing his arms around him and pulling him into the tightest grip he'd ever felt. Cas didn't try to tell Gabriel that he was practically strangling him, instead just reluctantly returning the hug.

When Gabriel eventually released him and held him at arm's length, Cas chanced a glance around the coffee shop, seeing instantly that people were staring.

'We should… sit,' he swallowed, and Gabriel nodded speechlessly.

'What… what happened? Did you get hit?'

Automatically, Cas touched his bruised face and shook his head with a laugh. 'No, no, I fell down some stairs.'

There was an awkward silence.

'How… are you?' Cas asked nervously.

'Me? I'm fine. How are _you_?'

Cas shrugged, having to remind himself that this was really happening. 'I'm fine – good actually.'

Another silence.

'We thought you were dead.'

What were you supposed to say to that? 'I'm sorry.'

'No, no,' he shook his head, 'don't be sorry, I didn't mean it like that! I just meant… we didn't know anything. But that was then – this is now!'

'Aren't you going to ask me why I left?'

Gabriel smiled, looking down at the table. 'I figured you'd tell me when you were ready. I'm just so glad you're really here… I thought it might have been a stupid prank and wasn't really you, or that you wouldn't actually turn up. But you're here… God I've missed you so much.'

Cas glanced down and saw a gold band on his brother's finger. 'Who's the lucky lady?'

'You remember Sandy?'

'You _didn't_? Sandy with the teeth?' Cas gasped, and when Gabriel started laughing, it was like they were just two brothers laughing about a girl, like the last five years hadn't happened.

'Yep, teeth and all. She's had them done now.'

'What else? Where are you working? How is everyone?'

'Well, I'm a dad now.'

'No way!'

'Yeah, last year. Lily May.'

Cas beamed, 'congratulations!'

'What else? God… um… I'm a lawyer now; Michael enlisted – he's off flying helicopters in the Middle East; Anna graduated with straight A's, she's training to be a Biologist.'

'Michael enlisted? Wow.'

'Oh yeah, he's like a Colonel now.'

'Is that good?'

Gabriel nodded with a smile.

'Mom and dad?'

At this, Gabriel bit his lip and his body language changed distinctly. 'Mom… she never quite got over you disappearing. Her and dad started fighting… she walked. With the cats. But what about you? Is there a girl in the picture?'

This was the bit he had been dreading. When your father was a Minister, admitting that you were gay wasn't exactly something you looked forwards to. 'I'm… er… I'm living with a guy, actually.' He blurted the words out so quickly that he was surprised Gabriel understood him.

There wasn't even a pause – Gabriel seemed unfazed. 'Really? Awesome – tell me everything.'

'Er… his name's Sam, we've been together for - ' his stutter was long enough to be uncomfortable, ' – for about five years.'

Gabriel seemed to compute the words for several seconds. 'Right. Wait – _Sam_? Wasn't that the name of the guywho was in our _school_ about two days before you left? The pretentious jerk? Cas, you were a freakin' _junior_, and you ran off with some guy you'd just met?'

'I was seventeen, Gabriel, I wasn't a child! And he's not pretentious.'

'Oh my _God_, Cas. We thought you'd died, or been taken, or joined a gang… You abandoned us for some _guy_?'

This wasn't supposed to be happening. Cas stood up, shaking his head and mumbling, 'no, I'm not going to do this.'

'Cas, wait!' he caught his arm. 'Cas, I didn't mean it… don't leave again!'

'I was stupid, thinking we could just pick up where we left off, like nothing happened! Just… just forget about it,' he pulled away, ignoring Gabriel's protests.

'Cas, Cas don't _go_!'

He'd followed him outside.

Cas pulled out his phone, entering Sam's number but cancelling the call before the first ring. No, he'd be at work by now. He continued to ignore his brother like a kid having a tantrum, tapping Dean's name and putting the phone to his ear.

'Oh come on, Castiel, last time we fought I didn't see you again for five years! No way am I letting this happen again!'

'You can't tell me what to do!' he whirled around. 'I'm an adult, I can do where I want.'

'Cas?'

'Dean,' he exhaled with relief. 'Look, I'm sorry I ran off again yesterday… can you come pick me up?'

'Castiel, you can't just call me and then run off again!' Gabriel shook his head in disbelief.

'You alright, Cas? Who is that?'

'_God, will you both stop shouting at me_?'

'I'm _not_ shouting!' the two of them said, practically in unison.

Tears in his eyes, Cas gasped, feeling like he was drowning. _Pull yourself together, _his internal voice said. Forgetting the situation for a second, he mused to himself that his internal voice sounded just like Sam's.

'Cas, just calm down,' Gabriel said. Dean was saying much the same down the phone.

'I'll call you back, Dean,' he said, steadying his voice long enough to hand up on Dean's protests. He turned to his brother again, 'I've really screwed up.'

'Come here,' Gabriel said, pulling him towards him.

It was funny how much the love of a brother could make everything feel alright, even in the worst of circumstances.

**Hope you guys liked! **

**As ever, I will attempt to update better and sooner next time!**

**Leave a review with love or hate.**

**PS. For all you Twitterers, you can find me at mazooscribes :)**


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